DEAR DIARY,

AW MAN, AARDSMA! WHY’D YOU HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO PRAY FOR THAT???!

LOVE,

SEAN “DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND WHY WAK LOVES ME” WHITE

Dear Diary,

It’s almost time, guys! Only a few hours until we can get out on that field! God, I hope I don’t implode this year, ruining all of the impossible hopes everyone has for me! Even a slight regression would cause a huge backlash directed at me! Oh jeez! Fingers crossed everyone! Pray that Sean White stays way worse than me!

Love,

David “Consistent” Aardsma

MY BULLPEN,

ONLY 36 DAYS UNTIL WE WILL REPORT. GET READY. BRING YOUR BIG GUNS. I’M TALKING TO YOU, BRANDON LEAGUE, WELCOME TO SPARTA.

WETTELAND OUT.

To my bullpen,

I know things have been rough lately. There were the horrendous losses and the fact that the Angles appear to be unable to stop winning.

There were trades and new faces and saying goodbye to members of our team.

There was the fact that Yuniesky Betancourt tripled against us.

And there was the terrible news the MLB has banned our terrific, tough and manly gladiator helmets due to them not being part of the uniform. That was a big loss.

And there was the cat-Mariners news sources had the story pretty accurate so I’ll let them tell it:

“It jumped from the stands into our bullpen,” said Mariners’ reliever Shawn Kelley said. “We thought it was going to attack [pitching coach] John [Wetteland] so we had to divert it away from him. It scaled an eight-foot wall, it really did. We were just concerned with saving John. We thought he was in trouble. He was cornered.”

That the cat knew to go after the toughest guy was beside the point. You did well trying to save your leader.

So I want to say thank you. And I want to offer something to console you guys after all these difficultuties. So high fives are now reinstated. Congratulations boys.

WETTELAND OUT.

Dearest Diary,

Today Dios smiled upon us.
He delivered a win that he thought was just.

Like Corcoran’s shameful given up hit,
I threw one ball and ohh, they bit.

But after that disgraceful homer,
I kept the ball within the dome-r.

I got up there and threw 3 strikes,
Ground out, ground out, the fly out was Mike’s.

And once we return from this well earned break,
The AL West Pennant will be ours to take.

So let’s raise our glasses and all bellow
Los Marinos estan extraordinario!

Besitos,

Miguel

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was GREAT! O’ the mighty Astinos was in full force! I really was! I did it! And by striking out Josh Hamilton! That’s right-the ALL STAR JOSH HAMILTON! Down on strikes! A swinging strike! Let no man ever say Astinos is less than godly! I guess Wash did pretty well too (and Mr. Hoity Toity High Socks Himself, David AAAARDSMA) but he didn’t have to worry about coming out when he was tired! Because he already pitched a complete game this week! I knew they wouldn’t let him do it again! So I just didn’t say anything to him about helping him out because that just makes him try too hard. So I just stood back quietly in my ceremonial Spartan helmet and gave him a silent, manly high five (Don’t tell Wette, they’re still revoked but he was in the bathroom so we got away with it. Yipee! Dang! He can read this, can’t he?? But I can’t remember which one is the delete key! Oh well. Sorry, Wette!). Anyhoo-I did it! I came in and only had to face three batters and I did it! I DID IT! ASSSS-TINNNNN-OSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

And that’s the Lowe-down!

Dear Diary,

I’ll tell you what I told Skip and the rest.

Abraham Lincoln experienced many personal and professional losses on his way to the presidency. Likewise, Richard Nixon lost the 1960 presidential election and the 1962 Californian gubernatorial race before his election in 1968 and landslide reelection in 1972.

Vincent van Gogh sold very few paintings before his suicide.

Neither Alfred Hitchcock nor Stanley Kubrick were ever honored with best director Oscars.

Reggie Jackson struck out 2597 times on his way to 563 home runs.

All I’m saying is… history will put these losses in perspective.

Sincerely,

Brandon “Don’t Stop Thinkin’ About To” Morrow

Dear Diary,

Just kidding- CHOO CHOO!!!

David A. Aardsma

Dear Diary,

You know, I really did learn something today. Normally I stroll onto the field, my austere head shining in the sun, and I just take the Awesome Express train to Legendaryville. But today the train went into the uncharted waters of Repugnant Bay. And it really made me stop and think, you know? If I can do that terribly, maybe I’m being too harsh on the little guys. I mean, even at breakfast with Don this morning, I recommended that we D’FA Roy Corcoran. He told me to eat my cornflakes and shut my bathrobe tighter but he absorbed my thoughts. And you could even fill in more names there, you know? Names like Batista. Or Sean White. Or Lowe. All these names! But if it’s so simple for me to sail away to that Bay then maybe I should be easier on them! Really treat them more like people and less like failures. Then we can all work together!

It’s been a great day for learning. A really great day.

No longer lonely at the top,

David A. Aardsma

Dear Diary,

Good gracious! Ah’m gunna guess that tonight did not go ex-act-a-ly as Wette wulda liked. After Erik done got all them strikeouts (8! Wowee!) Ah figured we had this little kitty in the bag. And then after Jak and Kelley had them troubles and all them runs and they called on me to save us, Ah figured Ah could do it! That’s why it was so very surprising, Ah jus let up the one pitch and KABLOOEY! HOME RUN! Ah looked over at Russell to see if just maybe he was impressed with me (home runs being his four-tay an’ all) but he didn’t even seem a lick impressed! Ah was just plumb embarrassed after that. Ah do wish he hadn’t been lookin’ if he wasn’t gunna be proud, Ah so think he and Ah could be real good friends. We’d be just like Brooks and Dunn! And Ah could be Dunn! Oh, who am Ah kiddin’, everyone knows he’d be Dunn, especially with the way Ah pitched tonight.

Corky go night-night!

Dear Diary,

Man, Wash was great today, wasn’t he? I guess it finally really hit me how much better baseball is without relief pitchers. I was pretty afraid that Skip was going to put me in and I was going to blow it again and Coach Leonidas would make me manually open and close the roof again. But Wash pitched a complete game and really got me off the hook! I kinda feel like maybe I’m a little bit responsible for the magical pitching he threw tonight. We had this moment before the game:

Me: Good luck tonight, Jarrod! Let me know if you need any help or feel tuckered out! Don’t worry, I’ve got your back!
Wash: Fuck you, scrub. I’ll show you how it’s done. I can’t have you following me. I’ll pitch the whole game if it’ll keep you in that gladiator helmet. NO MORE NO DECISIONS.

See? It was all because of me! I feel like I was really able to help my team today!

And that’s the Lowe-down!

You see this face? This is how I felt watching you guys today. And now, because it is the Lord’s Day and just a game after the midway point in the season, I think we need to have a talk.

You guys were terrible today. I don’t want to be the guy that names names (but you were among the guilty, Astinos. Also Batista.) and I don’t want you guys to take it personally (except the two of you, you were awful) but there are things that need to be said.

Obviously you’re all acquainted with my well-documented unconventional approach to bullpenmanship. But balls to the crotch and deference to the flag can only take a bench so far, so we’re bringing this into the 21st century. This website is set up so you can all share your thoughts and feelings and we can grow together as a group. The ‘pen that feels together steels together.

So please, warriors, make use of this new tool and let’s stay away from games like today’s. I don’t like to do this, but because of the pitching today I am going to have to take away high-fives for a while. They’ll be back but you’ll need to earn them.

Wetteland Out.